While your hair will be tousled by warm Caribbean breezes, my hair will be teased by Denise at "The Mane Attraction" in the Garden State Plaza. Sure, the March weather in New Jersey sucks. But inside a mall, you would never know.

What sets 17 South apart from other low-numbered north Jersey highways (the lame 23, the seedy 4) is the staggering nature of consumer opportunities it throws at you. In addition to approximately 85,000 shopping centers, the 20-mile stretch between Ramsey and Paramus boasts three full-fledged indoor shopping malls. Two--the aforementioned Park and Plaza--are behemoths, containing Gaps and Foot Lockers for every gender and age group, as well as two truly amazing food courts. Every major country--China, Mexico, Philadelphia, the Republic of Chick-Fil-A--is represented, and it's hard to imagine a nicer eating environment than the Park's elevated Terrace on the Mall. Or, if you're super-hungry, go outside the mall, and eat mozzarella sticks at one of 17 South's Greek diners, which are situated at 30-foot intervals along the side of the highway.

But there are more things to do on Route 17 than just eat greasy food and spend money on useless crap. You can play the Great Jersey Mall Game. Count the number of forest-green Jeep Grand Cherokees in the parking lot. See how many seriously disillusioned kids you can spot. Try and find people wearing Starter jackets until you've seen parkas for all 30 NFL teams. Look for couples with their hands in each other's back pockets. It's easier than you might think.